Monday, February 2, 2009

dear ottawa,

What in the EFF did I just tell you. You're like the puppy that pisses all over the floor.

You fired Craig Hartsburg? Really? After I just told you, you were doing so well. I take it back. No, don't try to argue with me. The damage has been done. You're such a jerk, Ottawa. He was perfect for you guys. You were losing, famously! And right before Valentine's Day... tsk tsk.

Just thought i'd let you know... this is very counter-productive. Firing the coach mixes it up. It usually rallies the troops (at least for a few games...) But even if it is just for a few games... you don't need your troops rallied. Why would you try to rally the troops?

I know that your owner thinks that in 35 games you'll be able to get your shit-show train-wreck back on the tracks, but he's obviously insane. There's no other explanation. I've spoken to Ottawa fans, they all secretly enjoy this spiral into the cellar, because they know the reward. Unlike those other fans who cheer for that team in blue and white, they know that losing now (and losing spectacularly) is the key to Hedman.

Brian Murray, I just want to point out that you are the GM of the Ottawa "pants-pooping" Senators. Not the Toronto "will-always-be-mediocre-and-will-never-get-that-coveted-top-draft-pick-because-they-keep-winning-enough-games,-but-not-enough-to-make-the-playoffs" Maple Leafs.

I hope you clean up your act Murray. Geez.

Top Ten Ways to make All-Star weekend better.
a little late, but written gold takes time people!
  1. fire. doesn't matter what's one fire. but something should be.
  2. always have it in Montreal.
  3. free booze. since the game will now always happen in Montreal... this shall fuel widespread street brawling and looting. everyone loves hooliganism.
  4. nhl vs. khl? now there's a gongshow waiting to happen. And perhaps some bench brawls if they let Emery come (see: Emery tries to murder waterboy. video at the bottom of this post).
  5. Bruce Springsteen.
  6. Maggie the Monkey.
  7. no more commentators. make them compete in the skills competition. And secretly tell the players they get extra points if they injure one.
  8. Fans are encouraged to bring an extra pair of shoes.
  9. Someone force Sidney Crosby into a goddamn pair of skates.
  10. remember that commercial where Jarome Iginla is running through a city dodging random flying pucks, which we eventually figure out are being shot from a roof by Markus Naslund (sorry folks, i couldn't find it on youtube... not that i looked too hard). That should be an event. Hmm maybe we could involve the commentators in this one. Ron MacLean versus Pierre McGuire. I like it.

Duthie-ism of the day.

Duthie had his own list of ways to better some of the events, I personally like this one a lot, let's add it as an un-offical #11.

"The shooting accuracy competition should replace its old-fashioned blue and red targets with pictures of Sean Avery's face. Dion Phaneuf, Jarret Stoll, their girlfriends, and any Dallas Star will be allowed to participate. Shooting accuracy scores will skyrocket."

Emery, just give up and become a UFC fighter.

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