Sunday, April 19, 2009

Win/Fail: Playoff Edition II

I am going to lock the doors of the Wachovia Centre from the outside so all the stupid:

PHILADELPHIA FLYERS FANS

are trapped amongst themselves and can't bother the rest of humanity any more.

Reason:

Class-less.

There's intimidating fans, the seventh player, they can make the difference in a series. They're loud, they're unified, and they can pick a team up when they need it. And then there's the Flyers fans, who act like a bunch of hooligan children who had too much sugar with their breakfast and their mom couldn't care less cuz she's hungover as hell.

"Crosby Sucks!"

Good lesson for the kids in the crowd.




Someone who IS allowed to eat some sugary cereal for breakfast are the designers at:

NHL.COM


and hell, have a Mimosa or Caesar while you're at it.

Reason:

The playoff version of the site is fantastic. I distinctly remember fumbling through the site last year after I had missed a few nights of games. I was trying to figure out what series was at how many games. It was gross. This year it's well-organized, and most importantly it has the updated series statuses in several easy-to-see places. Oh yah, and it looks real purrrty too.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Win/Fail: Playoff Edition.

I'm going to kick:

JOSH GORGES

Right in the goddamned shin.

Reason:

After surmounting two Boston goals, in Boston's building, Montreal was actually dominating the third period. The momentum was theirs. They were buzzing around the Boston zone and Boston was having problems getting their break-out on the go. It seemed like a matter of time before Boston either took a penalty (and faced Montreals over-25-per-cent effective powerplay... since acquiring Mathieu Schneider) or Montreal just flat out scored a goal.

And then that all came crashing down, when the soon-to-be victim of a viscous kick in the shin took a completely use-less mid-third-period cross-checking penalty.

Runner-up: Patrice Brisebois... for coughing up the puck several (hundred) times.


I am NOT going to kick

MARTIN HAVLAT

in the shin. (Notice the lack of reward... simply just letting him live his life without the threat of being kicked in shins... for now.)

Reason:

Much concern has been put forward by the hockey pundits over the lack of playoff experience on the Chicago Blackhawks. But i'm pulling for them, because boy are they fun to watch. And one of their players that does have playoff experience managed to carry the young guns on his back. Martin Havlat scored the tying goal in the third period and then the overtime winner. It's kinda like the polar opposite of being Josh Gorges.

Runnerup: Bill Guerin... because he's so godamned old and is still scoring goals.


*Edit: Listen, i know a lot of you are probably thinking that a kick in the shin is no big deal. You're all like "what sorta pussy-arse punishment is that, anyway". Well i'll tell you. a few months ago a 40 year old man slide-tackled me at rec league soccer and I didn't have shin guards on. There's still a goddamn bone chip in my shin that hurts every time I say the words: "Carey Price" (Is that true? you'll never know).

So stop your goddamn laughing. It's a serious affliction.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

"He sweats grease, so no, he’s greasier than ever."


The Canadian Press, Friday April 3, 2009

EDMONTON -- With a five-word text message, Edmonton Oilers' owner Daryl Katz took the heat off embattled coach Craig MacTavish Thursday and put it directly on his players.

Katz's unequivocal vote of confidence for MacTavish was delivered by way of text message to Bob Stauffer, the team's radio analyst and pre-game show co-host with 630 CHED, before a 2-1 loss to the San Jose Sharks

It read: "MacT is not going anywhere."

-----------------------------------------------------

That was two weeks ago.

I'm sure Katz could've afforded to add the extra words, "...if we make the playoffs." Because today Craig MacTavish became the most recent homeless NHL coach.

There are always the arguments that pop up when a coach is fired. Maybe the General Manager gave him crappy players. Maybe nobody can make Ales Hemsky play a full season. Maybe it's the coaching style. Maybe MacT took a few too many hits to the head back in his playing days. Maybe the city put too much pressure on a team that was destined for mediocrity. Maybe there's an inability to keep players that they sign (cough cough... Chris Pronger). Maybe they should've kept Ryan Smyth. Maybe, Maybe, Maybe.

But one thing is not a maybe. You don't send text messages to a radio station host saying that a coach is safe, only to yank the carpet from beneath his feet two weeks later.

GRE-HE-HEASY!

In honour of MacT... go watch this vid.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I'm a Maritimer, and if there's something we love...

it's the lottery!

9:01 - TSN coverage starts.

TSN has like 400 commentators on staff for this tonight. Plus Tavares and Hedman via satelitte. Hey guys!!! Looks like you have money to burn. Can I have a job? geeeeeez.
-Jenn Casey 4/14/09 9:07 PM


A few minutes off from the big exciting decision.
 -Jenn Casey 4/14/09 9:10 PM

welllll it's not really that exciting... who actually likes any of these teams: The New York Islanders, Tampa Bay Lightning, Colorado Avalanche, Atlanta Thrashers, and Los Angeles Kings
 -Jenn Casey 4/14/09 9:11 PM


John Tavares appears to be high.
 -Jenn Casey 4/14/09 9:16 PM

NUMBER 5
LA KINGS
 -Jenn Casey 4/14/09 9:18 PM

NUMBER 4
ATLANTA THRASHERS
 -Jenn Casey 4/14/09 9:19 PM

NUMBER 3
COLORADO AVALANCHE
 -Jenn Casey 4/14/09 9:19 PM

THE FIRST OVERALL PICK GOES TO THE NEW YORK ISLANDERS (NUMBER 2 TO THE TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING)
 -Jenn Casey 4/14/09 9:20 PM

then it's PHEONIX, TORONTO, DALLAS, OTTAWA, EDMONTON, NASHVILLE, MINNESOTA, BUFFALO, FLORIDA
 -Jenn Casey 4/14/09 9:20 PM


Maggie the monkey picks: Boston, Rangers, Jersey and Phillie
 -Jenn Casey 4/14/09 10:28 PM 

Today was the day, and I was already behind.

A few duthie-isms to hold you over until tonight...

what's tonight you ask?

Besides Tuesday.

void of hockey.

and still effing cold.

DRAFT LOTTERY FUN!

see you then.

"I wonder if John Tortorella will keep up this calm, rational, media-friendly persona that he has adopted in New York. Or will he eventually snap, and stick a pen in some reporters' neck after blowing a third period lead in Game 3. I kinda hope it's the latter. I miss the old Torts."

"I wonder if I could eat the foot-high chocolate bunny I bought for my kids in one sitting. It is currently lying on the table next to me, whispering, “C'mon, eat me…I know you want to.” I wonder if made a mistake sharing that with you."

Monday, April 13, 2009

Ready, set, grow!

The season officially ended yesterday and we have our matchups for round 1. So let's talk about the most epic battle of the 2009 Stanley Cup Playoffs.

The young guns. The captains.

Toews versus Crosby.

Beard edition.

Last season we had the privilege(?) of seeing what Crosby can bring. It wasn't pretty.

So will the NHL's newest young captain be able to do a better job at growing a playoff beard then our buddy Sid. Or will Sid step up his game this year?


bring it on.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Don Cherry is ready for the playoffs...

because tonight he busted out a white suit with big colourful flowers all over it. That's playoff wear, baby.

And Good lord Cherry was on fire today.

He really does hate Toronto Maple Leafs coach Ron Wilson. I think he might actually hate Wilson more than Sean Avery and french people put together.

He spent a good 5 minutes ripping up Ron Wilson, his record, his tactics, and sarcastically called him "the genius" several times.

Although... Don doesn't hate Sidney Crosby now. Which is strange, and new, and breaks the mold of his normal Coach's Corners. Well, partially... he did have a photo from Afghanistan...

Anyway, definitely worth the watch if you missed it.

Seriously Jian, back away slowly and don't make eye contact.

Also worth a watch (but not hockey related...) is Billy Bob Thorton's appearance this week on CBC Radio's Q with Jian Ghomeshi. I'm not really sure who's side i'm on with this. Thornton is truly a moron, but apparently the producers of the show promised Thornton that his acting experience wouldn't be discussed. Regardless... it's pretty damn funny. Taking bets on how many shots of whiskey Thornton is metabolizing at the point this interview was taking place.




Why Montreal should really beat the Penguins.

Currently watching the Pens and the Habs. I would prefer if the Habs could win (and the Rangers lose tomorrow) that would reverse the two teams in the standings and the Habs would end up with the Washington Capitals instead of the Bruins.

Why? Because I don't think Montreal can handle the Bruins. I have no idea why they can handle Ovechkin and their former Montreal Mafia goldenboy Jose Theodore...and not the Bruins, but I just do. In fact I think they may have a better chance at inventing time travel so they could re-do this mess of a season than they do at beating the Bruins in the playoffs.

Sure, everyone says the Canadiens always manage to beat the Bruins in the playoffs. But I think it's going to be different this year. The Canadiens room is in turmoil. Scary Price has clearly had some sort of emotional breakdown since this time last year and is trying to solve it with eating oreos every night. Kovalev is... well who really knows, he's like a teenaged girl. And team captain Saku Koivu has been playing on the fourth line?

You kinda have to wonder when the team will just spontaneously combust.

Actually spontaneous combustion is probably a better way to go, than to have the city of Montreal go on some sort of post-season looting rampage and tear the players apart like a soccer player who just scored an own-goal.

The only thing the Habs have going for them is they're the underdogs. Major big time.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

okay... funny joke Bob Gainey....

From season-ending surgery, to playing (possibly) tonight.

Mathieu Schneider is an enigma.

I'm concerned that they possibly just popped him full of drugs and taped up his injury... but whatever. He's needed.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Canadiens lose their quarterbacks.

oh. dear. lord. they're doomed.

over-reaction?

The defence corps for the Montreal Canadiens took a major hit Monday, as TSN learned that the Habs will be without leading scorer Andrei Markov for three weeks and Mathieu Schneider's season is over.

no. I don't think so.

Schneider made the powerplay go.

Markov has 64 points this season. Second amongst defenseman in the league.

Friday, April 3, 2009

A big cluster-eff to the finish.

Boston, Washington and New Jersey have all clinched playoff spots, but the final 5 spots are pretty much wide open. With just over a week to go before the season ends.

So who will make it, and who will be sitting on the outside with the Leafs and Sens.

Currently the cut off for points is 89, but fouth place has 93. Anything could happen.


Carolina

has a tough schedule down the stretch and the fewest games to get some points. But since the re-addition of Erik Cole, they've been on fire. They play Pittsburgh, Buffalo, Islanders, and New Jersey. I'd say they will win 2 of these games. Possibly get a point from an overtime loss.

Finish with 98 points.


Philadelphia

The Flyers have six games left, but I would not like to be them. They play the Leafs, Senators, Islanders, Panthers and Rangers times two.

The leafs beat the flyers on Wednesday, although I can't see them letting that happen again. That's 2 points. The Senators have been on fire recently (hence the lack of draft lottery spot) but the Flyers may pull it off. 2 points. Islanders... 2 points. But the Panthers will win and they'll split the games with the Rangers. 2 points.

100 points.

Pittsburgh

It's hard to believe this team seemed like it was completely down and out a few months ago.

They've got Hurricanes, Panthers, Lightening, Islanders, and Habs. I'd guess that Pittsburgh beats the Hurricanes and certainly the Lightening are are terrible at the best of times and Lecavalier is done for the season. But the Islanders may become the giant killers down the stretch and the Panthers want a spot so damn desperately and they're losing Mr. Bouwmeester in the off-season so we'll put two in the L column. And It'll go to a shootout with Montreal... cuz it seems to with these two teams. Give the extra point to the Pens.

98 points.

Montreal

Yuckiest schedule ever. yes. I just said "yuckiest". This schedule warrents it. Trust me.

Leafs, Sens, Rangers, Boston, Pittsburgh. Three Northeast division rivals and two teams also fighting to keep their playoff arses. However, the Canadiens have been clicking ... again.

They'll grab points against the Leafs and Sens, we've said they'll go to a shootout with the Pens sot there's a single point. They'll lose to Boston, beat the Rangers.

97 points.

NY Rangers


They're out. I've said it. They currently sit in eight. They're out.

They have four games left, Canadiens, Bruins and a home-and-home with the Flyers.

They win one game out of the four. They could possibly end up with an extra point somewhere for an overtime appearance.

91 points ... maybe 92.

Florida

Florida needs a lot of other stuff to go right. They need teams like the Islanders to play the role of giant killers down the stretch and they need to win a few themselves too. But I have them in. 8th spot.

They play Atlanta twice, Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, and Washington.

Atlanta twice, who made this schedule? They'll probably split it though. 2 points agains the Pens and flyers. One more for good measure in the L column against Washington.

93 points.


This will probably all end up being completely incorrect. But it sure was fun. Sit back and relax and take in the gongshow that is end of the season hockey. That is, unless you're a fan of one of the teams below. But even so, what a great time of year. You get to watch journalists do math, see teams that have no hope in hell to make the playoffs shatter the dreams of those on the brink (see: wade dubielewicz and 2007 Leafs playoff hopes), and see everything go to the final second of the final game.

For some, next Sunday is going to seem a bit too far away.

4th > 100 Flyers
5th > 98 Carolina
6th > 98 Pittsburgh
7th > 97 Montreal
8th > 93 Florida
--------
9th > 91 NY Rangers

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Today was the day, and I was already behind.

Your "I can't believe I fell for that April Fools joke AND it's only Wednesday" poetry fix.


We didn't make the
play-offs. Indeed, April is
the cruelest month.